Too Troublesome
by OfPaintAndOil
Summary: In which Sakura is living with both Naruto and Sasuke in the Hokage mansion, and comes to the realization that if she doesn't move out soon, she'll likely bash their heads in. Which might be slightly problematic, since killing the Hokage is punishable by death. And Shikamaru, as the Hokage's advisor, is being dragged into the mess and just wishes he was born a cloud. COMPLETE.


Disclaimer: I own nothing related to _Naruto_.

* * *

Sakura Haruno really was a damn fool.

She had come to this realization sometime during the past few years, on those off moments in-between rushing to the next dying patient or the next surgery, where she would be expected to look at the wounded shinobi in front of her and know what to fix, what to heal. And she almost always did know. But this realization would become especially prominent a moment after that initial rush of relief she always felt when she looked at the man lying comatose in the sterile hospital room and thank Kami it wasn't one of her boys instead.

She loved her boys—Naruto, Kakashi, Sai, Yamato, and even Sasuke (Kami willing, when he wasn't off being an ass)—too much.

And they loved her too much.

She wasn't naïve to the looks they gave her. It had been years since Naruto fought—and won—against Madara. It had been years since she and Naruto and Sasuke had worked together for the first time since their childhood to take down the Uchiha founder. And it had been years since the moment Madara fell down dead, and Sakura and Naruto and Sasuke had all been so utterly exhausted and seconds away from passing out from chakra exhaustion themselves when she had promptly turned on her heel and landed a full on punch to Sasuke's lovely, result-of-perfect-genes cheekbone.

She hadn't even put any real force behind it—she didn't have enough chakra for that—but it hadn't mattered. Her punch alone was enough to send the last sharingan user straight into a boulder . . . and a few feet through it, too.

Naruto—dirtied and bloodied and exhausted as he was—immediately tilted his head back in that way that was so Naruto-like and bellowed, "She got you good, Teme!" Because even though Naruto was kind of dizzy and kind of about to pass out from blood loss, he was a lot happy, and proud, to finally have his precious team back together.

At the time, Sakura hadn't been thinking about punching Sasuke. She hadn't really been thinking about much of anything when she saw Madara hit the ground, this time for good. All she had felt was relief. So much relief at this horrid man being dead, that it seemed her brain had shut down for a few glorious moments. Moments where Sakura didn't have to think about the next attack, or worry how she was going to heal one of her boys if they sustained another fatal attack from Madara.

And then she saw Sasuke's damn chicken butt hair out of the corner of her eye, and, well, she couldn't be held responsible for what happened next.

It was his own damn fault for leaving. Honestly, at that point she was ready (and willing) to kill Sasuke herself. Was she going to let someone like Madara kill him? _Hell_ , no. But she had nothing against punching the asshole so hard he flew to Suna. If he died somewhere along the way, well, that was just a bonus.

Sasuke didn't wake up from her chakra-less punch for a week.

(Hey, it wasn't her fault the boy couldn't take a punch.)

When questioned about it later, Sakura swore she had done it to make sure they could finally drag his sorry ass back to Konoha. The last thing they needed was for him to go all emo and moody and stupid on them again and stay a rogue-nin.

Which, technically, was all true.

But Kami knew that wasn't why she punched him.

Sakura punched him because he was an asshole, and simply because he deserved it.

Since then, Sasuke looked at her more often. So much, in fact, it was beginning to freak Sakura out just the tiniest bit.

(Because, really, if punching the boy through a boulder was all it took for him to notice her Sakura would have done it ages ago.)

But now Sakura wasn't that same little, naïve girl. To be blunt, she couldn't give a rat's ass (or chicken's ass) what Sasuke Uchiha thought of her.

She made this clear. She made it so very, very clear every time she caught him checking her out when they were having a Team 7 bonding dinner by either ignoring him or, when it got too much for her to overlook, slamming him through a wall or two.

Her new confidence had been growing ever since he had left her on that bench all those years ago, and had only gotten stronger once he was back and Sakura came to the very satisfying realization that she could tie and sometimes best Sasuke in a fight.

The same could be said with all her teammates, and at first, she had the thought they were going easy on her, were holding back because they were too scared to accidently hurt her. But after more than a couple spars where she repeatedly slammed most of them through walls, Sakura realized that they weren't holding back, and that this was real, and that she was no longer staring at anyone's back.

Now, Sakura Haruno was shoulder-to-shoulder with her boys, and sometimes, they stared at _her_ back.

There wasn't a more satisfying feeling.

The problem (if it could really be called that) was that even though they knew she could take care of herself and no longer needed anyone to jump in front of her, they were still so damn overprotective.

And it wasn't even in the battlefield where she noticed it.

Sakura would have thought that with Naruto being named the new Hokage, Sasuke dealing with the repercussions of his defection from the village, and whatever it was Kakashi, Sai, and Yamato got up to they wouldn't have time to worry about her so much.

Oh, how wrong she was.

Not long after Madara was killed, Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke had been officially named the new Sannin. This wasn't really a big deal for any of them, since Naruto was also named the new Hokage, Sasuke was simply too cool to care, and Sakura was already head of the hospital and hadn't even realized she had been officially labeled to having passed Lady Tsunade in healing, strength, and skill until a few weeks after the fact, since she had spent all her time in the hospital (and she did mean _all_ her time, except for the few occasions Naruto or one of her boys would break into the hospital to drag her out into the light of day to eat a proper meal) dealing with the aftermath of the hurt shinobi from the war.

At first, Kakashi was supposed to be the new Hokage, what with Tsunade making it very clear to the elders she was done, and if they wanted to force her to stay on the job, well, they were welcome to try to force her.

Obviously, no one tried to force Tsunade to do anything.

(And no one said anything either, when it was realized all the good sake in the Hokage Tower had gone missing. No one said a damn thing.)

Kakashi, prone to his ways, had listened to the elders' decision to make him the new Hokage and promptly leapt out of the window, mumbling something about _retirement_ and _too damn old for this shit_ and then one loud comment thrown over his shoulder that was roughly, "Make Naruto the effing Hokage already, for fucks sake!"

Obviously, the elders did not want this. And the reason why was made clear about five seconds after Naruto was appointed the new Hokage, what with his first act of leader was politely telling the elders their services would no longer be required and a sly comment about them taking a paid retirement somewhere in the Land of Tea.

They resisted, at first. But when Sakura and Tsunade, somewhere in the background, make eye-contact with them and cracked their knuckles accordingly, well, they were somewhat quicker to oblige.

Unfortunately for Sakura, the village hospital and Hokage Tower were close to each other. Too close. Close enough for Naruto to just randomly appear in her office at all times of the day and night, bellowing about ramen and idly remarking how he was done for the day and that, yes, he was indeed going to walk her home, since he'd asked to see her working chart and saw she technically got off at seven (though she never actually left at that time if it was left up to her. In reality, Sakura practically lived at the hospital) and wouldn't take no for an answer.

Sasuke was the same. He was Anbu now, and when he was in the village he'd appear at all times in Sakura's office, sometimes covered in blood.

At first, this had completely terrified Sakura. But once she realized she was the first person Sasuke came to after his missions, well, she just got used to all the blood, though it was almost never his. And on the few occasions that it was his blood, Sakura was glad he did come to her.

All of her boys refused medical treatment from anyone else. It was either their Sakura-chan or no one. This held true even if she was in the middle of surgery and could not be called away for anything. But it didn't matter; her boys would just sit in her office, getting blood all over her nice carpet and possibly internal organs everywhere.

Her office carpet had once been so clean and nice. Now it was ruined.

Such a waste.

Kakashi refused to step into the hospital. Literally. If he ever came to see her, he would just perch on the windowsill and would refuse to even so much as touch the floor.

When it was time for his check-ups, Sakura would have to hunt him down and forcefully knock him out and tie him up. Unfortunately, this rough treatment resulted in Sai once remarking that he hadn't realized Sakura was into this type of sexual foreplay, and that he would be interested in experiencing it with her.

Sakura was used to Sai's remarks, so she just let it go. But from the looks on the rest of her boys' faces, well, it didn't look like they were going to let Sai off the hook so easily. (Except for Kakashi, who hadn't been knocked out yet and the skin above his mask turned as pink as her hair. The odd giggle that escaped him especially freaked her out. She was rather quick and harsh when she finally knocked him out that time, so much that she had to heal his head from the concussion she gave him.)

After the war had been over for a few months and Naruto was the Hokage and everything in the village was back to being stable, when even the hospital was not overflowing with patients and Sakura was able to get more than three hours of sleep at night, the question of living space was brought up.

It started because of Naruto, of course. Because everything _always_ started with Naruto.

It was brought to attention that he was still living in his original apartment, the tiny one he had grown up in, and that just wouldn't do for the Hokage. And once this was brought up, it was also brought up that Sasuke had been living in the Uchiha housing district, where the bloodstains had never fully came out in a lot of the spaces, and that just wasn't okay. And both Naruto and Sakura knew this just by looking at him, even if Sasuke was too proud to say anything about it.

None of this would have been a particularly big deal. Naruto would have moved into the Hokage mansion and Sasuke would be assigned another residence, one sans bloodstains in the carpet of his family, presumably. This whole thing could have gone away quickly.

But then Naruto and Sasuke saw where Sakura had been living. And all hell broke loose.

She really hadn't seen the problem. She'd been living there ever since she moved out of her parents' house, and now that her family was dead as well as a result of Pein's attack, it was her only home.

And it wasn't like it was rat-infested or anything. Sure, it was small and kind of old. But she also rented it because she knew she would never really spend time there. She basically lived at the hospital. She only needed an apartment to sometimes sleep in and shower in. (But even then, her desk showed to be perfectly napping assessable and there were showers in the hospital for some of the more grisly surgeries she had to perform.) And it was somewhat close to the hospital, so that was a plus.

But no matter how hard Sakura tried to convince Naruto and Sasuke of this, they just wouldn't listen. Naruto yelled and coerced and pleaded while Sasuke just stared her down.

Really, Sakura couldn't care less where she lived. As long as it was close to the hospital and she could afford it, she didn't give a damn. But it was the point of the matter that made her fight back. It irked her that both of her male teammates thought they could control where she lived just because they didn't think it was nice enough. They were _ninjas_ , for Kami's sake, it wasn't like they were used to nice things. They _broke_ nice things.

In the end, Sakura threw her hands in the air and told them to do whatever the hell they wanted. Her only two demands were that she had to live within a five minute walking distance to the hospital and that they do all the moving. If this was such a big deal to them, _they_ could do all the heavy lifting.

Oh, how she would come to regret that.

Firstly, because while they did move all her stuff out of her apartment, a good chunk of the furniture seemingly "broke" during the moving process, and both Naruto and Sasuke took it upon themselves to buy her new . . . well, new _everything_.

Not only that, but when she finally saw her new living arrangements, she discovered that it wasn't a moderately sized apartment. Oh, no. It was a fucking _mansion_.

The Hokage mansion, to be exact.

It was less than five minutes from the hospital, as Sakura had demanded. She just never considered that she would be moving in with not only Naruto, who inherited the living arrangement, but also Sasuke, who, according to him, was almost never in the village anyways, so he might as well live with someone else to take care of things.

This obviously baffled Sakura, since she couldn't really imagine Sasuke living and dealing with _anyone_ , let alone Naruto. He was too high-mantence for something like that.

Not only that, but upon seeing her new home, it became abundantly clear that only Sasuke and Naruto could live there.

Orange. Orange _everywhere_.

With splotches of blue in random places. Some walls had been painted blue, and others, messily orange. Like her new roommates had both gone at it with the walls, trying to outdo the other and paint their own color.

Sakura could have dealt with all this, though. She had been with Naruto and Sasuke for so long and had been on so many missions with them both—had even shared the same tent and sometimes blanket with them—that she could have dealt. Besides, it wasn't like she would even be using this space all that much. And, hey, no rent, so that was something.

But then both Sasuke and Naruto had broken the news to her that somewhere on the way from moving her furniture to the Hokage mansion, most (read: all) of her furniture had mysteriously broke. The bastards.

So, without telling her, they took it upon themselves to buy her new stuff.

And they fought over what color her stuff would be.

Naruto wanted everything, of course, to be orange. Orange bedframe, orange dresser. Sasuke had glared at the dobe and started picking out things that were blue.

And so, this was how the new ninja war began. With her two idiots of teammates and their (hideous) preferences to color schemes.

In the end, Sakura somehow managed to get a mixture of both colors with pink thrown in, since at some point during their shopping spree it had occurred to them that Sakura may not actually _want_ everything blue or orange. So they threw in some pink for her sake.

Devious bastards.

Obviously, Sakura threw a fit. She promptly screamed and hissed and raged at them both for not telling her she would be living with them both, and threw in some vulgar exclamations at appropriate times.

They both had looked accordingly pitiful. Sasuke had pouted in that way he could, where he couldn't meet her eye and twisted his lips down. And Naruto had whined and apologized and made pitying puppy-dog eyes at her until she cooled down enough to stop thinking about colorful ways to castrate them both.

And then Naruto pulled out his trump card.

He wailed about team bonding and how he never got to see her or the teme now that she was always at the hospital and the teme was out on missions and he was Hokage, and that he missed them. And then he threw in some remarks about wanting a family and _yadda, yadda, yadda_ until Sakura threw up her hands and gave in.

Oh, the smug little looks they had given her.

She knew perfectly well that both of them had planned it all. Her furniture didn't just magically break or get lost. For Kami's sake, they were some of the most powerful and gifted shinobi of their time, and they actually expected her to believe that they couldn't so much as move her furniture without something going wrong? Those bakas.

Unfortunately, living with them both also ensured that they both knew her daily routine extremely well. Which meant they knew when she ate (or rather, the lack of eating) and just how exhausted she was when she would finally stumble home. Which then resulted in both of them taking turns in dragging her out of the hospital at impossible hours of the night and early morning.

But after about a month of eating nothing but ramen and tomato related dishes, Sakura put her foot down and began leaving the hospital to make them all dinner. Because she really didn't understand how both of them were able to go on missions and have the energy Naruto had on a daily basis when they were living off of two main substances. It just wasn't healthy.

Sure, she still made the odd bowl of ramen and tomato dishes every once in a while, if for no other reason than to get them both off her back and stop the insufferable whining, especially on Naruto's part. Sasuke just stared at her dishes that didn't include tomatoes and then looked longingly at the vegetable bowl, eyeing the tomatoes like they were a long-lost lover.

It was fucking ridiculous.

Sometimes, when a new bunch of patients came into the hospital, mostly Anbu related or other high-ranking nin, Sakura wouldn't go home to make dinner. She would stay and sleep and breathe in the hospital only. She would wear her bloodied scrubs like a second skin and stay rooted in the surgery room as nurses rushed patients in and out, more than one in the emergency room at a time so Sakura could stabilize a patient and let another doctor take over, while a nurse switch her gloves and clothes, and moved on to the next patient bleeding out all over the floor.

Or, when things were bad, Sakura would start on one patient, realize after two minutes that there wasn't anything she could do, and move on to the next patient, listening to the heart monitor slowly beep out as the last patient died behind her.

On these kinds of days, not even Naruto or Sasuke could drag her out of the hospital. Technically, only Naruto as the Hokage had the authority over her to make her go home, but he never did so.

He wanted to, Sakura knew that. He begged and pleaded with her to go home after she stayed in the hospital for more than a week, but Sakura would just stare at him with bloodshot eyes and ask him if he would go home if he was in her shoes. The pleading never stopped, but it would lessen after that.

Sasuke was different. While he didn't have the authority over her to order her home, he was too used to getting his way. So when Naruto failed, Sasuke would go to the hospital, demand a poor nurse to tell him where she was, and threaten his way until he found her. He wouldn't yell at her—Sasuke Uchiha simply didn't raise his voice. He just stared at her.

Sometimes, this would actually work. Not because Sasuke would threaten her or order her, but because a lot of time the Anbu Sakura would go into surgery with would be the people Sasuke knew. The ones he was caption over.

Sasuke would never admit to it, but Sakura knew he cared about his team and the other Anbu members. So when even Sasuke would tell her to stop, well, she wouldn't lie and say it didn't make it a little easier to walk away.

On the really bad days, after a week or so of not being home, Naruto would step in and order the hospital staff to give Sakura a few mandatory days off. She wasn't to be called in, wasn't to be summoned for anything unless it went by Naruto first.

On those days, Sakura wouldn't do much. Instead, Naruto and Sasuke would be there, remarkably, seemingly to align their schedules with hers to watch over her as she silently fell apart in their home.

Those were ugly, messy days. Not because of anything Sakura did, though. While she was known as one of the more emotional ninjas, when days like that happened, she fell apart silently. She didn't through a fit, didn't yell, didn't cry. She would sleep and sleep and sleep, and only wake up when Naruto or Sasuke would force her to, to eat and make sure to stay alive long enough to recover.

Allowances like these were made for many shinobi after the war with Madara. Sakura could heal a remarkable amount of people of any physical injuries, but, well, it was the other injuries that proved to be more of a problem.

Sakura saw it happen with both Naruto and Sasuke. It surprised her at first. Her two male teammates were the last ones she would have expected to fall apart like they sometimes did, mostly because they were both legends in their own rights, and no one ever expected legends to fall apart. Not even privately.

But they did. Naruto—the one, out of anyone alive, Sakura would least expect it from, what with his cheerful attitude and boisterous personality all the time—never fully forgave himself for the deaths in the war. Particularly Neji's.

Naruto fell apart gradually. While Sakura would fall apart during a few days' times, then get right back up and start all over again, Naruto fell apart for mere minutes on odd days. He might be cooking at the stove, and talking animatedly one minute, but go uncharacteristically quiet the next, and the look in his blue eyes would be enough to make the strongest man fall to tears. But then he would be perfectly fine the next, going on about the new law he wanted to pass or the new homes he wanted to build.

Sasuke fell apart in much the same way Sakura did. But instead of minutes, like Naruto, or days, like Sakura, he would fall apart for a few hours a day. During those hours, Sasuke would go train. Mostly, he would train with Naruto, since those two were the most equal to each other in strength, other than Sakura, but Sakura was busier than Naruto on most days, so it was mostly Naruto who dealt with the brunt of Sasuke's pain.

When Sasuke fell apart, he needed to break things. When Naruto fell apart, he needed to fix things. When Sakura fell apart, she mourned for the things she tried to fix, but watched break instead.

They all needed to be perfect for everyone else, all three of them. The original Team 7. But with each other, they allowed themselves to fall apart silently, loudly, and somewhere in the middle.

And Sakura wasn't blind to what all this was doing to them. Being this close to each other, living together like this and watching each other break and pull the broken over-and-over again pieces back together did odd things to their emotions. Feelings ran deeper and stronger than they should, but it was a necessary survival instinct.

And as the only female in this trio, Sakura saw what would happen a long ways back. But she couldn't help it. They needed her as much as she needed them, and that was just the way things were.

And she was a damn fool because of it.

* * *

It started innocently enough. Naruto or Sasuke would make sure she ate three meals a day, even when she didn't have the stomach for it. They would make sure she never walked home alone, no matter what time of day—or night—it was, not when she didn't have enough chakra to defend herself if need be or even to walk straight. And after a while, she had just come to learn to let them carry her home on the worst days. She was asleep the moment her weight was off her feet.

Oddly enough, it felt to Sakura that they saw her job as the most difficult and painful. And while she wouldn't disagree with them about that, she was surprised they saw it in that light. How they would always leave their own duties if they felt she needed help or someone to face her and tell her to sleep for a few hours. All they had to do was say her name, and whoever they were with immediately understood and let them go, no matter if it was other Anbu members with Sasuke or political figures with Naruto. Everyone knew who Sakura Haruno was, and almost all knew how much her health and well-being meant not only to both Sasuke and Naruto, but to the whole of the Hidden Leaf Village, and by extension of her research and medical expertise, the whole ninja world.

This bothered her at first. For obvious reasons, it didn't sit with her well that the Hokage of their village and the top Anbu caption would leave their duties to help with hers. At first, she took offense at this. It felt like they didn't think she was capable to handle her job, and she was struck again with the feeling of being inadequate, of being weak and useless and a burden to them.

But after so long, Sakura came to realize that they honestly saw her profession as the hardest out of them all. They saw what it did to her, day after day, and for a while, both Naruto and Sasuke had tried to talk her into retiring. It wasn't like she didn't have enough money to do so, not after the allowances given to her and many shinobi after the war and not after so many years as head of the hospital. At times, when Sakura felt the hospital was running smoothly enough, she would even take a solo mission or two. Just to keep her in shape and for the exercise.

But even though they both pleaded with her to resign her positon and train someone else for the job, they had both come to realize it was a fruitless endeavor. Sakura would not resign from her job so long as she was able to continue.

 _Survivor's guilt_ , they called it. _Healer's guilt_ , the ones who knew what they were talking about would call it.

It was one thing to survive a war, but it was another to survive a war when so many others died, and you were known as a medical legend, and yet others died and you survived.

It was a pointless train of thought, Sakura knew that. It was impossible to save everyone, as she had been told again and again, all her life. As she had told herself all her life.

But she never was very good as handling her emotions, pointless as they might be.

But it worried her, the times when Naruto would hug her a moment too long. Or when Sasuke would sit next to her on the couch, and instead of taking the free cushion on the other corner, he would sit in the middle, so her thigh was touching his and his shoulder would be pressed against hers.

Or the times when Kakashi would appear out of nowhere, on the rare times when neither Naruto nor Sasuke could meet her for whatever. And he would make a few loaded comments or suggestions about taking her out to dinner. And she let him. Because he was her old sensei, and she knew he still felt guilt at having ignored her for so long, taking preference of Naruto or Sasuke.

Sometimes Sakura would train with Sai or Yamato. And Sai would sketch her, even though he usually didn't like drawing other people. And Yamato would introduce her to some new kinds of flowers, and talked about cherry blossoms and how he wanted to grow some around the village.

Sakura ignored it for a while. She pushed it to the back of her mind, telling herself she was imagining things or taking things out of perspective.

But that stopped the day Naruto and Sasuke found Sakura training with Kakashi, Sai, and Yamato, and all were shirtless, even Sakura, who had received a very large gash down the front of her chest accidently from Kakashi—who had freaked out about it, apologizing again and again—and it wasn't really wearable anymore, and she needed to heal herself, so she peeled it off, not really thinking anything of it. She had chest bandages on, and those practically covered everything. And it wasn't like they hadn't seen her shirtless before—they all had to share tents and rooms before on missions, so she hadn't given it a second thought.

But then Naruto and Sasuke had come looking for her when they realized she had already left the hospital, and were going to get her for dinner. Instead, they had stumbled upon Sakura, practically shirtless, surrounded by their also shirtless companions (they had shed their shirts because of the heat, which also hadn't made Sakura blink twice. She _did_ give them their physicals, for Kami's sake).

She could hear them both growl from across the field, and Sakura would swear she saw both their eyes flash red.

Paranoid ninja instincts kicking in, Kakashi, Sai, and Yamato fell into defense positons all around Sakura. It wasn't that they actually saw Naruto and Sasuke as a threat—at least she hadn't thought so—but it was just a gut response.

Unfortunately, this set off both Naruto and Sasuke, who were both tense and looked like cobras ready to strike.

"Sakura," Sasuke calmly asked, the undertone in his voice enough to melt ice, "where is your shirt?"

Sakura had just blinked at him stupidly. Then looked pointedly down at the torn garment next to her foot. "It got ripped," she said.

"So you just . . . took it off." It wasn't a question.

Sakura hadn't really seen the problem. "Yeah, it wasn't exactly wearable and I have chest bandages on anyways." She shrugged.

Naruto took deep breaths, as if to calm himself.

Sakura just kept looking back and forth between them queerly, then looked at Kakashi, Sai, and Yamato. They didn't look all that confused . . . well, except for maybe Sai, but he was confused about most social interaction, so it didn't really count.

"What are you guys freaking out about?" she finally exclaimed, raising a pink eyebrow. "We've all been on missions before. It's not like we all haven't seen each other without clothes on."

Naruto and Sasuke just blinking owlishly at her. She rolled her eyes.

"Then why are they shirtless!" Naruto finally yelled, pointing frantically at Kakashi, Sai, and Yamato.

Sakura just gave him a deadpan look. Sai was the one who answered, though. "We got hot. And if Ugly can walk around without a shirt on, so can we."

Sakura could have slapped Sai. That really wasn't going to help matters.

"To be fair," Kakashi finally started, "Sakura looks much better without a shirt on." And then— _dear Kami_ —he winked at her. Yamato threw a shocked and terrified look over at Kakashi, reflecting the look Sakura no doubt had on her face as well.

Uh, oh.

Naruto was sputtering all over the place. Which wasn't good, considering he was still wearing his Hokage robes, and Sakura had the thought that if any of the other nation's leaders could see him right then, they wouldn't think twice about declaring war again to overtake the Leaf Village from what looked to be an incompetent leader. Sasuke, on the other hand, just glared holes into Kakashi, his sharingan twisting to life. If Sakura looked closely, she could almost see the steam coming out of his ears.

Sakura just looked skywards and regretted ever leaving the safety of her office at the hospital. Internal wounds and exotic poisons were so much simpler to deal with.

Kakashi, prone to his ways, just gave them all an eye crinkle and went back to reading his porn.

The bastard was doing this on purpose.

And then there was poor Yamato, who was just looking wide-eyed at them all, probably thinking through his escape route once Sai inevitably said something to set off either (or both) Naruto or Sasuke. Sakura could sincerely identify with him right then. She wondered if she could telepathically communicate with him to take her with him.

Then her stomach growled.

Loudly.

Shocked, all of her teammates looked at her. She couldn't really blame them; she was also looking down at her stomach in shock, like it had betrayed her. She hadn't even realized she was hungry.

Then Naruto started chuckling, and Sasuke looked less like he was about to start randomly killing people, so Sakura was considering it was all a success. If things had gotten out of hand, she really hadn't been looking forward to stepping between Naruto and Sasuke and the rest of her teammates as they inevitably killed each other off. Then where would the village be? Oh, yeah. It would be ten feet under because every legendary war hero just destroyed the goddamn village. (Take _that_ Madara. You thought you needed the ten-tailed beast, when really all you needed was hormonal-driven, insanely powerful men getting riled up about one pink-haired kunoichi not wearing a shirt. You _silly_.)

Honestly, Sakura needed them in a good mood for later. It would make things easier. At least she hoped so.

But, really, who was she trying to kid? Things were undoubtedly going to go horribly.

* * *

They were all having dinner. All of them, even the newest members of Team 7. It had been quite a while since that happened. Mostly, they were all too busy or at least one of them was on a mission.

Secretly, Sakura loved times like these. True, they could all drive her mad without even trying, but they were her boys, ultimately. And she'd do anything to keep it that way.

Anything.

Kakashi flirted with her, but she was used to that. He was half-kidding and half-serious, she knew. Hell, Sakura had even gone out with him a few times. For old times' sake, mostly.

Naruto and Sasuke fumed next to her all the while, of course. Their brotherly instincts started to kick in around Kakashi, she always noted. Especially since Kakashi had started seriously taking an interest in her.

Sai, of course, made inappropriate comments all the while, making Naruto scream, "SAI, YOU BASTARD!" and Sasuke to glare holes through his head. Yamato just smiled uncomfortably in the corner and stayed silent, only to stop eating his ramen to cover Sai's mouth when it truly looked like either Naruto or Sasuke was going to jump over the table and kill him. He played his dutiful job of mediator whenever they got together and for some reason, would throw Sakura pitying and search-full glances at random intervals.

Sakura finished her ramen in silence, feeling Naruto and Sasuke boxing her in from both sides. She watched Kakashi out of the corner of her eye, making sure he wasn't going to skip out on the check, _again_. At least he never tried to do that on their dinner dates. She would have already killed him otherwise.

After dinner (without anyone killing a teammate, Kami willing), they said their goodbyes and Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura began to walk home.

Things had gotten . . . a little out of control lately. There hadn't _just_ been the instance where Naruto and Sasuke saw Sakura without her shirt on surrounded by their teammates. There had been other, random times when they would get overprotective of her, and it wasn't just with their other teammates. _Especially_ when it wasn't their teammates.

Besides the few dinner dates Sakura had had with Kakashi over the years, there hadn't really been any other men in her life, romantically. And even with Kakashi, that was a stretch. Sure, they went out on a few dates, but it felt more like just two old friends who enjoyed harmless flirting with each other. It had never gone beyond that.

But there had been a few guys—some shinobi, some not—who had shown interest in her over the years. But Sakura was never able to get close to them because of the two imposing shadows always hanging over her shoulder. One with red fox eyes and one with swirling sharingan eyes.

It didn't help matters that she was living with them both. Talk about a conversation stopper.

It would go somewhat like this:

Sakura: "Sure, I'd love to go to dinner with you!"

Random Guy: "Awesome! Where should I pick you up?"

Sakura: "Err . . . How 'bout I'll just meet you at the restaurant?"

Radom Guy: "Why? I can just pick you up; it's no trouble."

Sakura: "Well . . . I live at the Hokage mansion."

Random Guy: "What?! The Hokage mansion? But . . ."

Sakura: "I know, I know! But since I'm teammates with Naruto and Sasuke, they threw a fit about where I was living before and moved all my stuff there. They're just kind of overprotective."

Random Guy: "They just let you live there? Even though you're not the Hokage?"

Sakura: "Well . . . Naruto lives there to."

Random Guy: "Huh?"

Sakura: "Oh, but it's not like that at all! Sasuke lives there too! It's kind of like the team house, you know?"

Random Guy: ". . ."

Yeah. It never went all that well.

There had been one guy, once, who had looked promising. But he had been from Suna and once his mission was over, Sakura never saw him again.

And ultimately that was why Sakura was going to have a little chat with them both that night. To clear the air. To let them know how she felt.

To possibly run their heads into the ground to get it into their thick skulls.

Maybe it should have made a difference to Sakura that Naruto was the Hokage and Sasuke was a legendary Anbu caption, but, damn it all, she was the world renown medic and poison master, who had surpassed Tsunade, who had also been a Hokage, in both medical knowledge and strength.

So, no, Sakura wouldn't think twice about beating the living shit out of those two.

Kami knew they deserved it.

And so when they all closed the door to the Hokage mansion behind them, and Sasuke took one look at Sakura's face and unceremoniously dragged Naruto over to the couch, Sakura laid it all out there for them.

She told them she was moving out.

"WHAT!?" Naruto yelled/whined. Both Sakura and Sasuke flinched at the volume. Sasuke just glared at her.

Sakura sighed. "It's time for me to move out, Naruto. I can't live with you two forever."

"Why _not_?" Naruto whined, his voice sounding like a scolded pup. "It's the perfect situation, Sakura-chan! None of us have to pay rent and we're always around each other!"

"Exactly, Naruto," Sakura said. "We're _always_ around each other. How are we ever going to meet other people like this?"

"Other people are stupid," Sasuke growled, now in fully offended mode. "I can barely deal with you two as it is; I don't want other people."

Sakura just blinked at him and chose to ignore his deep-rooted hatred of the human race. "But I _do_."

"Aren't we enough for you, Sakura-chan?" Naruto made his legendary puppy dog eyes at her, and Sakura felt her resolve falter.

"Of course you're enough for me, Naruto. But I want to meet other people, expand my horizons, ya know? I want to be able to meet a guy and not have him run away because I'm living with the current Hokage and mister red-eyes over here." She waved in Sasuke's direction, and he had the gall to look offended at her analysis of him.

" _What_ guys?" Naruto growled, and Sakura could swear she started to see some red aura surround him. "Who's the bastard?"

Sakura narrowed her eyes and pointed an accusatory finger at him. " _That_. That right there is why I can't meet anyone else. If anyone with a Y chromosome comes near me, you two get all protective and scare the poor sap off before I even get a chance."

Sasuke got ready to open his mouth to tell her that if the guy couldn't even stand up to them, then he wasn't good enough for her to begin with, but then realized that unless the guy was in their immediate circle of friends (and even then it would be difficult), there were no guys who could stand up to him and Naruto. The thought made a satisfied smirk cross his face.

But Naruto was thinking along the same lines, and because Naruto was Naruto, and every thought that crossed his mind completely bypassed the think-about-it-before-you-say-it cycle, he blurted it out.

Sakura's expression could melt ice. "You're the _Hokage_ , Naruto. And Sasuke is a renowned Anbu caption. You two had some the biggest roles in winning the greatest shinobi war, and you expect the guy I might want to date to be able to stand up against both of your homicidal auras the minute he meets you both?" She threw her hands up in the air. "I might as well throw in the towel and forget about ever dating anyone!"

Sasuke and Naruto both started to nod in agreement to this statement before they were both thrown into their living room wall.

"I'm moving out sometimes in the next month," Sakura announced, wiping her hands together. "I'm not asking your permission. I'm just telling you what I'm going to do."

With that, Sakura headed into her orange/blue/pink bedroom.

* * *

Sakura was sitting in her office in the hospital, and it was either very late at night or early morning, and she was weighing the pros and cons of going home when a knock came from her door.

"Come in," she called, and Shikamaru peeked his head in.

Which was strange . . . not strange because she never saw him—because she did, quite a lot in fact, when Naruto would mysteriously disappear from the Hokage tower and his piles of paperwork to visit Sakura, and poor Shikamaru as the Hokage advisor would have to hunt Naruto down, which basically meant hunting Sakura down—but because Sakura knew for a fact that Naruto was off the clock for the day and should be home sleeping right then.

So her immediate thought at seeing the Hokage's advisor was that either (1) someone she knew was mortally injured and dying, (2) another shinobi war was on the cusp and Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke were going to have to deal with all the utter shit that went along with it, or (3)—the more likely of all the options—Shikamaru was going to try to find a way out of doing some kind of Hokage advisor related work by visiting Sakura and trying to guilt/coerce/bribe her doing it for him.

"Whatever it is," Sakura started, eyeing the amount of reports and paperwork that was already on her desk and needed to get done that night/early morning, "I'm not doing it unless someone is dying." She glared at him, to which he looked back at her unfazed. "Is someone dying?"

Shikamaru just stared at her and blinked . . . slowly. He yawned and rubbed a hand over his face. "Troublesome woman," he muttered, taking out a cigarette from his pocket and flipping open a lighter. "So loud in the morning."

Sakura's eye twitched and she stood up. Walking over to where Shikamaru stood, he eyed her wearily as she snatched the cigarette out of his mouth and threw it out the open window in a perfect arch, raising one perfect pink eyebrow at him. "No smoking in the hospital," she said.

Shikamaru closed his lighter and shoved it back into his pocket. He sighed, thinking about how now would be a good time to be sleeping. "I came to talk to you about your living arrangements," he drawled, rubbing the back of his head.

Sakura's eyebrow rose even higher. "What about it?"

"It's no secret that you're trying to move out of the Hokage mansion and that both Naruto and Sasuke are trying to stop you."

Sakura narrowed her eyes. It was true that she had applied for a new apartment around the village, and she either had been rejected or never heard back from any of them. If she already hadn't thought Naruto and Sasuke were likely threatening/convincing every apartment landlord or manager not to take her down-payment, she was now. Sakura mumbled unintelligent curses and damning under her breath.

Shikamaru blinked at the fuming pinkette in front of him, having to fight back the urge to take a step back from her dark aura. His hand inadvertently slowly crept down to his kunai pouch before he caught himself. Luckily, Sakura did not either notice or care.

He sighed. "It's too troublesome for this to continue as is," he grumbled.

Sakura's head shot up. "Are you telling me that you'll help me?" she asked.

Shikamaru was staring out the window in contemplation when he suddenly turned on his heel and walked back out the door from whence he came, as if they weren't just in the middle of an important conversation about her sanity/living situation.

"Hey!" Sakura yelled at his back, but didn't run after him. She grumbled under her breath about troublesome men in her life and how she could be sleeping right then.

She turned back to her desk, and it may have just been her imagination, but she thought for a moment that out the window she caught a flicker of white about of the corner of her eye.

* * *

Maybe it was just the ridiculous color scheme finally hitting home for her, but Sakura spent the better part of the next night and most of the next day feeling ill and nauseous. Maybe it was something she'd eaten—possibly the thousandth ramen bowl she'd been forced to swallow had finally caught up to her until her stomach finally revolted against her for not eating enough healthy and protein based foods.

But the one thing she knew above all else was that this was somehow Naruto and Sasuke's fault.

Don't ask her how she knew that—it was just one of her many unexplainable psychic powers when it came to inexplicably knowing things about those two morons. It was the same when Sasuke would come back from a mission, and Sakura would just know it in her bones that he was hurt, and that he was waiting for her in her office or back home, getting blood into the carpet. Or how she just seemingly knew when Naruto was on his umpteenth ramen bowl, squirrelling away in his office like he was an overly obese chipmunk storing up for winter, getting ramen juice (and other unmentionables, that of which even with Sakura's vast knowledge of various substances—poisons and otherwise—and Naruto's eating habits still wasn't able to properly identify) all over important, Hokage-related documents, some which that had travelled a few nations over and that of which were possibly bloodstained from the events occurring until reaching Konoha's gates.

Sakura liked to think of it as her special moron-sense, respectively. It was her internal alarm to go find them and prevent more moronic deeds passing by. It was a public justice, really, that she was around to keep them on a leash.

(She really should get paid extra for this shit.)

Sakura walked around a good chunk of that day, mindlessly going from hospital room to surgery room, then a meeting, then to her office, and then all around again, with some variance thrown in just for the hell of it all. Especially when she ended up getting the stupid little genin team come in with near-life threatening injuries because one of the little brats had thought it was a good idea to jump off a cliff to see if he could use his chakra to fly.

How this was even possible was lost on Sakura. Really, she didn't care what it was that the little shit had done to get into her surgery room; all she cared about was stopping his bleeding from multiple internal bleeding wounds and fractures so she could just move on to the rest of his team, since once the idiot in question jumped off the cliff, his loyal little teammates jumped right after him. Whether this was to actually save him or join him, Sakura had no idea.

You know what they say—if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Apparently this really did apply to the saying " _If your teammate jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?_ "

Why, yes. Yes, they would, apparently.

And then there was the genin team's sensei standing guard in the waiting room, frantically running his hands over his weapon's pouch, obviously annoyed and irritated that he just couldn't kill someone and make this whole problem go away. Instead, the brats he signed up for decided to jump off a cliff.

And maybe it was all this that made Sakura feel sicker, because it didn't escape her that this stupid little genin team resembled her, Naruto, and Sasuke in such an apt way. When Sasuke jumped off the cliff of insanity, she and Naruto weren't far behind him.

Too bad she couldn't patch them all up just as easily as she could with the genin team.

Either way, Sakura felt like crap. And it was showing. She'd gotten more than one hesitant and scared glance from the nurses and other doctors. (And while she usually did get these type of looks on a daily basis, what with her normal bellowing out orders and stomping in walls in too much a similar fashion as the recently retired Hokage, these looks were still . . . different. In a yes-we're-still-scared-but-you-look-to-be-about-to-puke way, not so much of an oh-dear-god-she'd-gonna-kill-us-hide-the-good-sake kind of way. Scarce difference, but it was there.)

By late noon, Sakura had gotten multiple hesitant, oh-so hesitant and frightened recommendations for her to go home and rest. Usually, she'd glare at whoever told her to dare to leave work before she'd had her full twelve hour shift, but on that day, it just wasn't worth the effort, and after a quick stop at the market to bundle up on every kind of soup and comfort foods (some healthy, some not . . . No one could judge her, or they'd face her wrath), Sakura curled up under her covers and played the fun game of playing dead. Because cramps + stomach bug + headache = one mightily pissed off and cranky Sakura Haruno.

And then she realized Kami hated her, because after what felt like five seconds after she'd cocooned herself in blankets and after her tenth ice cream carton (judge her; she dared anyone), the door slammed open, and on cue, one loud, obnoxious voice screamed, "SAAAAKKKKUUUURRRRRAAAAAAA-CHHHHAAAAANNNN!"

 _Remember,_ she thought, _killing the Hokage is punishable by death._

Footsteps outside her door. She'd locked it before she collapsed on the bed. Scratching on the door ensued. Another loud yell followed by a whacking sound and an irritated "Hn."

But they were insanely talented ninja for a reason, and that completely explained why her door disintegrated in the next nanosecond followed by the distinct bird chirping sound (which, FYI, in no way helped her ongoing migraine).

Because locked door = most powerful attack.

Sakura tried to scrounge through her muddled brain why she couldn't kill Sasuke, but couldn't quite remember right then.

 _Later,_ she told herself, groaning internally and pulling the blankets up higher over her head. _Kill them later. Screw the death penalty. But now . . . now is the time for ice cream._

And then the two morons were besides her, sitting on the edge of her bed, and one or both of them was trying to pull down her covers to get a look at her, and Sakura just wasn't having this, and so a tug-of-war ensued and ultimately the covers ended up ripping in half.

Sakura just glared at the covers and tried to again cocoon herself in the pitiful ripped blankets.

It didn't really work.

"Sakura- _chhaaannnnn_ ," Naruto whined, still wearing his Hokage robes. His voice was lower, as it seemed to have finally occurred to him that Sakura was sick and had a headache, and that yelling at his normal volume would not help matters. "Why didn't you tell the teme or me that you weren't feeling well!?"

Sasuke just grunted his assent.

Sakura closed her eyes against the light in the room and the odd brilliance Naruto just seemed to carry with him everywhere. "I'm fine, Naruto," she groaned. "It's just the flu. And why are you two home? If I remember correctly, you had a ton of paperwork to get through today. And Sasuke, you had a mission today, didn't you?"

Sasuke _tisked_ at her. "You know the dobe wouldn't get anything done with you sick. And I finished my mission already."

"Go back to work, Naruto," Sakura ordered, still managing to sound somewhat threatening even with her red nose and congestion. She sneezed pitifully. "I've got my ice cream and bed—I'm all good."

Sasuke eyed the multiple empty cartons of ice cream laying haphazardly over the floor and nightstand. "Are you sure you actually have any ice cream left?" he deadpanned.

Sakura just glared at him, wondering if this was a way of calling her fat, and if she should be responding in the appropriate way—meaning, bashing his face into the floor repeatedly.

"I'll get you more ice cream, Sakura-chan!" Naruto smiled too bright, glad to find something he could do for her now.

Sakura sneezed again and groaned low in her throat.

Sasuke frowned and bit back the question about how the top medic in the world could let herself get sick, but held himself back because he figured saying that wouldn't get either of them back in her good graces and forget the whole idea of moving out.

There was a true possibility of Sakura dying of her migraine now. The two morons in the room were not in any way helping matters, and if they did not either leave her be in the next few minutes or if she did not kill them herself, Sakura irrationally thought that there was a true possibility her head was going to explode.

There was a sound of scuffing feet near her window, and the tell-tale sound of a window swinging open and hitting the wall.

"Hey, Ugly."

" _Maa_ , Sakura-chan. You know it's irresponsible of you to get sick like this."

* * *

Below the Hokage mansion civilians and ninja walked peacefully, listening to the birds chirping and browsing the fruit and vegetable stands around the market—

—until one massive oak table flew out an open window in the Hokage mansion and a small earthquake broke through the ground.

The civilians stopped whatever they were doing and had the horrible heart-stopping moment where they thought they might be under attack again, and another sort of war was on the cusp.

The shinobi, however, sparred it one glance and continued on their way, already having been alerted earlier that day about one legendary, fiery tempted medic having been released from her post at the hospital for a mental health day. Upon seeing that none of the shinobi around them were concerned, the civilians slowly calmed down and continued on their day, studiously ignored the shouts of pain and pleas of mercy coming from the infamous Hokage mansion.

From one of the nearby buildings, one jounin ninja was sprawled out lazily on top of the roof, a cigarette dangling from his mouth, for all appearances sleeping peacefully from a tiring day of cloud watching, having been released from duty early once the Hokage unceremoniously jumped out of the Hokage tower's window once news spread of his teammate going home ill. A sigh passed his lips at the nearby commotion. "So troublesome," he grumbled before turning on his side and continuing his nap, already thinking about the reports he needed to get done and the extra work he was going to need to pick up as the Hokage's advisor for the next few weeks as the current Hokage would likely be out of office and spending some time in the hospital.

On top of his mental checklist, Shikamaru made a note to speak to Ino about taking Sakura in as a new roommate. The troublesome woman had been complaining for a while about needed someone else to help pay the rent, and her apartment was plenty big enough for two people—it would even be big enough for _four_ people, in all fairness.

There was the sound of feet landing on the roof tile, and Shikamaru heaved a heavy sigh, flinging one arm over his eyes and thought not for the first time that he should have been born a cloud.

"Shikamaru," Yamato greeted, kindly. He, too, ignored the sound of a part of the Hokage mansion breaking as a body was thrown through a wall and into the street below. There was a long shout of "SHHAAANNNAARRRROOO!" that was promptly ignored by all.

Shikamaru groaned.

He uncovered his eyes after a moment and looked at the tall man leaning over him, his hands in his pockets. "Whaa . . . ?" Shikamaru drawled, as any professional Hokage advisor would.

Yamato smiled down at him, and Shikamaru thought it may have been his imagination and the sudden cloud cover that made Yamato's face look dark and devious. "Let's have a little chat about who's allowed to live in the Hokage mansion, shall we?"

Shikamaru blinked at him. And then sighed again and puffed a cloud of cigarette smoke, leaning back down and crossing his arms behind his head. He quickly thought of the ramifications if he should suddenly present Naruto with a "newly found document" with direct terms of who was allowed to live in the Hokage mansion—that of which would really only include the Hokage themselves and their immediate family (and despite Naruto's many protests to the matter, Sasuke and Sakura were not _actually_ his blood related family, no matter how much he might argue on that account).

Running the pros and cons through his head and planning out exactly how much trouble it would cause him to go through with it (but quickly deducing that not somehow finding a way for Sakura to move out would prove even more work and effort in the long run, therefore giving Shikamaru quite a bit of incentive), he gave a tired nod to the tall man still standing above him, waiting for an answer. "I'll work on it."

"Good!" Yamato said cheerfully, a wide smile on his face. In the background there were brash noises, such as someone screaming about burning their porn books and something about clashing color schemes. Neither man commented on it. There was the sound of glass breaking.

"So," Shikamaru began, puffing more smoke out through his mouth and playing with a lighter in one hand, "who do you think Sakura's going to choose?"

Yamato stared at him, not blinked, still smiling creepily. "I don't have the faintest clue as to what you're talking about."

Shikamaru closed his eyes and tried to think cloud-like thoughts. "Too troublesome," he grumbled, and the next time he opened his eyes, Yamato was gone, though the screaming and pleas still continued from the Hokage mansion. Shikamaru silently began to calculate how much money he was going to have to take out of the village's treasury to rebuild and repair the Hokage mansion. (And how much he was going to need to spend on good sake to calm Sakura down as a peace offering.)

* * *

Author's Note: I have no idea WTF this is. Like, seriously. This, I think, was my first ever attempt at writing fanfiction quite a while ago, and I just found it, read it over, and was all like, "Huh. Well, it's not the _worst_ thing I've ever written." So, yeah. Here it is. Enjoy it . . . or not. Really, I don't even know what to say about this.

Two oneshots in the same week? Yeah, this will probably never, ever happen again, so . . . yeah. Now back to _Two Morons and A Mad House_.

I feel like my stories are a weird mix of serious topics and stupidity. (And I think I'm okay with this.) Because sometimes I read over what I write and am just like, "WTF _is_ this?" But then I still publish it. Don't judge me.

Until next time~


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